Thoughts

I hate being in this situation. I hate knowing what I want and I can't get it because everything around me is going in opposite direction of what I want them to be. I have a lot of pain and craziness stored inside my head sometimes I feel like I might just explode. At the same time, I can't let myself fall apart because there are people who'll be hurt just by looking at me go insane and people who will be out-of-their-mind happy seeing me hurt. Sometimes, I feel like I'm lost. I know what I want but I can't go for it because I'm scared of what might happen. I don't wanna accept the fact that I'm a coward. I just don't. I wanna keep doing what I'm doing now and maybe take some risks. Other than that, I'm not ready to change my life upside down yet. I've always wanted to be this fearless girl who knows what she wants and goes for it but I'm not that girl. I blame myself everyday for it. In the end, I find myself miserable being the same coward I was a year ago.

People leave. I have yet to make peace with it. It's not something that people get used to over time. It'll still hurt no matter what. The moment I realize I can't live without a certain person, they'll get up and leave like nothing happened and all I've left is memories. I get attached to people so easily. I'm too sensitive and I take little things very seriously. I'm still young. I still have a lot to learn about people and how they leave all the time after they suck the love out of you (not literally lol).

You. You're the one person who makes me feel loved the most and who hurts me the most. Sometimes, I find myself crying to find out if it's worth it to be loved and hurt at the same time. Sometimes, you're the sweetest and sometimes, I wanna kill you with a steak knife. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep both sides of you in my life.

Those girls. They're always there. I may not be able to see them but they're always there_ scrolling through my facebook, twitter and judging. For whatever judgement they need to pass to other people, I just wanna say "Just staff your boobs and butts with it because that's the only way to make them useful." I wouldn't mind if you're talking about stuffs I post on social media but making up your own stories and what's worse sharing it with other people who has similar interests, that's just childish. I don't know what's so interesting about me and my life. Oh and there's one girl who thinks whatever status I post on facebook is about her. She even msged my bf about how angry she was and how she's gonna take action. When all those failed, she threatened me to slap me if I ever talk to her again. I was like -_____- hello! I was ignoring all your msges and YOU. I don't know what her problem is. If something like that were to happen to me, before I tell someone to slap them, I'd talk to them and ask them (nicely) first if that's about me. If not, okay, I'll say sorry and move on. I think that's just what grown-ups would do. lol.

Friends. I finally caught up with two of my close high school buddies. It's like the three years never happened. We were just laughing loudly in public, talking about anything and everything. It was just like old times except now we're all wearing make-up, dressing up, looking pretty (kinda) and everything. I just wish I could have those kinda friends forever. I hated high school. I was that nerdy tomboy who no one gave a crap about and during my senior year, I was that nerdy girl who looked kinda okay and who kinda knew some popular girls. lol. No guy liked me and now if they see me again, they'll feel sorry for themselves (IMO) HAHAHAH I look totally different now and people couldn't keep up with my changes. Even my tuition mates who sat in front me for two years couldn't remember me. That's how much different I look now.

Things I wanna do. Gym. MCAT. Volunteering. They're what I should be concentrating on right now. Because no matter how many people leave, I can't control them. I can only make them regret by being the best.

Catching up

Kinda felt sorry that I ignored this blog for a very very long time. I wasn't just that interested in sharing my life anymore. But now I'm feeling like myself again and also feel like I have to say some stuffs out in the open. 

I've finally finished school. Done with my studies for this degree but the stupid school decided to torture us more by making us wait for one freaking year before we graduate. Everyone is find difficulty in finding jobs without a physical degree. I've cleared all my modules but I wasn't able to work in Singapore because I don't have my degree yet. It's just ridiculous, isn't it? I applied internship in all A Star institutes but I still have to wait for their offer. My plan is to do my internship and while I'm doing that, I'll be doing my MCAT and trying to go to med school. Being a med school student won't be easy. There's be a lot of challenges especially for a lazy student like me. I didn't do that well for my degree. I got mostly Bs -__- I know I know I haven't learned my lesson yet. I have to have more discipline and be more motivated. 

I'm spending most of my days here in Yangon by catching up with high school buddies and helping my dad with his business. I feel like I'm becoming more mature than my high school buddies. They don't have to worry about who's doing their laundry, who's ironing their clothes, who's cooking dinner or who's buying the toothpaste and coffee tml. All they have to worry about is their grades and what are they gonna wear to school tomorrow. In a way, I feel like I'm more mature than them. I also feel sad at the same time. When most of the girls my age are worrying about how to apply bronzer, I'm thinking what should I buy for breakfast and dinner next week. There's that. 

Oh and there was a little drama queen who caused a little bit of drama. She was just plain pathetic. How haft must her life be when she's in Facebook reading every single status updates of her 1000+ friends and thinking every single status is about her her and her? While she's finding trouble in a completely ridiculous way, other people are worrying about bigger things in life and she doesn't even realize she's a loser. Lol. I can't even imagine. That's one hell of a way of self-destruction. 

I can't even begin to tell anyone about my relationship right now. It's either right or wrong. There'll be no grey area. And I'm just confused. 

I think I'm feeling a little lost. I was so sure that I was gonna go to med school and that'll be my happy ending. But no, financial concerns, my not-so-good-grades, and my no-research experience are making me think twice about med school. I'm gonna be doing MCAT nonetheless. I don't wanna give up before I know I have 0% chance of being a surgeon. With no job and not working out, I don't even know who I am anymore. I just feel like I'm not capable of anything. Hopefully I can go back to gym soon and my mild depression will come to an end.