Thoughts

I hate being in this situation. I hate knowing what I want and I can't get it because everything around me is going in opposite direction of what I want them to be. I have a lot of pain and craziness stored inside my head sometimes I feel like I might just explode. At the same time, I can't let myself fall apart because there are people who'll be hurt just by looking at me go insane and people who will be out-of-their-mind happy seeing me hurt. Sometimes, I feel like I'm lost. I know what I want but I can't go for it because I'm scared of what might happen. I don't wanna accept the fact that I'm a coward. I just don't. I wanna keep doing what I'm doing now and maybe take some risks. Other than that, I'm not ready to change my life upside down yet. I've always wanted to be this fearless girl who knows what she wants and goes for it but I'm not that girl. I blame myself everyday for it. In the end, I find myself miserable being the same coward I was a year ago.

People leave. I have yet to make peace with it. It's not something that people get used to over time. It'll still hurt no matter what. The moment I realize I can't live without a certain person, they'll get up and leave like nothing happened and all I've left is memories. I get attached to people so easily. I'm too sensitive and I take little things very seriously. I'm still young. I still have a lot to learn about people and how they leave all the time after they suck the love out of you (not literally lol).

You. You're the one person who makes me feel loved the most and who hurts me the most. Sometimes, I find myself crying to find out if it's worth it to be loved and hurt at the same time. Sometimes, you're the sweetest and sometimes, I wanna kill you with a steak knife. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep both sides of you in my life.

Those girls. They're always there. I may not be able to see them but they're always there_ scrolling through my facebook, twitter and judging. For whatever judgement they need to pass to other people, I just wanna say "Just staff your boobs and butts with it because that's the only way to make them useful." I wouldn't mind if you're talking about stuffs I post on social media but making up your own stories and what's worse sharing it with other people who has similar interests, that's just childish. I don't know what's so interesting about me and my life. Oh and there's one girl who thinks whatever status I post on facebook is about her. She even msged my bf about how angry she was and how she's gonna take action. When all those failed, she threatened me to slap me if I ever talk to her again. I was like -_____- hello! I was ignoring all your msges and YOU. I don't know what her problem is. If something like that were to happen to me, before I tell someone to slap them, I'd talk to them and ask them (nicely) first if that's about me. If not, okay, I'll say sorry and move on. I think that's just what grown-ups would do. lol.

Friends. I finally caught up with two of my close high school buddies. It's like the three years never happened. We were just laughing loudly in public, talking about anything and everything. It was just like old times except now we're all wearing make-up, dressing up, looking pretty (kinda) and everything. I just wish I could have those kinda friends forever. I hated high school. I was that nerdy tomboy who no one gave a crap about and during my senior year, I was that nerdy girl who looked kinda okay and who kinda knew some popular girls. lol. No guy liked me and now if they see me again, they'll feel sorry for themselves (IMO) HAHAHAH I look totally different now and people couldn't keep up with my changes. Even my tuition mates who sat in front me for two years couldn't remember me. That's how much different I look now.

Things I wanna do. Gym. MCAT. Volunteering. They're what I should be concentrating on right now. Because no matter how many people leave, I can't control them. I can only make them regret by being the best.

Catching up

Kinda felt sorry that I ignored this blog for a very very long time. I wasn't just that interested in sharing my life anymore. But now I'm feeling like myself again and also feel like I have to say some stuffs out in the open. 

I've finally finished school. Done with my studies for this degree but the stupid school decided to torture us more by making us wait for one freaking year before we graduate. Everyone is find difficulty in finding jobs without a physical degree. I've cleared all my modules but I wasn't able to work in Singapore because I don't have my degree yet. It's just ridiculous, isn't it? I applied internship in all A Star institutes but I still have to wait for their offer. My plan is to do my internship and while I'm doing that, I'll be doing my MCAT and trying to go to med school. Being a med school student won't be easy. There's be a lot of challenges especially for a lazy student like me. I didn't do that well for my degree. I got mostly Bs -__- I know I know I haven't learned my lesson yet. I have to have more discipline and be more motivated. 

I'm spending most of my days here in Yangon by catching up with high school buddies and helping my dad with his business. I feel like I'm becoming more mature than my high school buddies. They don't have to worry about who's doing their laundry, who's ironing their clothes, who's cooking dinner or who's buying the toothpaste and coffee tml. All they have to worry about is their grades and what are they gonna wear to school tomorrow. In a way, I feel like I'm more mature than them. I also feel sad at the same time. When most of the girls my age are worrying about how to apply bronzer, I'm thinking what should I buy for breakfast and dinner next week. There's that. 

Oh and there was a little drama queen who caused a little bit of drama. She was just plain pathetic. How haft must her life be when she's in Facebook reading every single status updates of her 1000+ friends and thinking every single status is about her her and her? While she's finding trouble in a completely ridiculous way, other people are worrying about bigger things in life and she doesn't even realize she's a loser. Lol. I can't even imagine. That's one hell of a way of self-destruction. 

I can't even begin to tell anyone about my relationship right now. It's either right or wrong. There'll be no grey area. And I'm just confused. 

I think I'm feeling a little lost. I was so sure that I was gonna go to med school and that'll be my happy ending. But no, financial concerns, my not-so-good-grades, and my no-research experience are making me think twice about med school. I'm gonna be doing MCAT nonetheless. I don't wanna give up before I know I have 0% chance of being a surgeon. With no job and not working out, I don't even know who I am anymore. I just feel like I'm not capable of anything. Hopefully I can go back to gym soon and my mild depression will come to an end. 

Fight For What You Love

We fight for what we love. Even if we're at the losing end, we'll still fight until we become completely hopeless. It'll get a little harder each day especially when u're fighting alone and others are watching u fighting tooth n nail n probably making fun of you. BUT I won't walk away unless u give me a reason to. Please show me that u're worth it despite all those humiliation, tears, physical and mental pain. I just need to know that u too, are making an effort to make this last and not just watching me screw this whole thing.
I'll still keep fighting but u made it very clear I'll be the only one fighting.
And I'm not ready to walk away.... not just yet

Favourites

Happy

click on it and you'll see why the word "happy" yourself.

So in love with costal scents these days. If you don't know, it's a makeup brand and they're famous for their eyeshadow palettes. I myself got two of those. Cost me half of my rent but WORTH IT! =D

Bali Visual Diary Part 1

The end of day 1! 

Near Death

There're nothing like this feeling.
It's like your mind is trying to escape from your body and you're trying so hard not to slip out of yourself.
Your loved ones are in front of you. Your one and only is sleeping in front of you. You're trying to wake him up. It would've only lasted two seconds but you thought it was forever and he wasn't going to wake up.
And there it goes..... your mind slipped. for a second, you forgot why you were there, where were you and who are you with. No one is paying you any attention and you thought you didn't exist anymore.... it's like you're dead.
you were so scared.... scared you won't see those people anymore, scared you'll be alone on the other side of the world, scared you won't see the boy again who's sleeping in front of you, suddenly thought of ur whole family whom you haven't seen in 2 years close to 3 years, and all of your unfinished business and all those wonderful moments as well as the horrible moments. As you're reflecting your whole life, you realized your mind slipped again for just 2 seconds but you felt like it's forever. You were scared to death. You wasn't ready to leave the people, the place, your family, and lastly your body. 
And... you realized the last person who can probably solve everything and who had the answer to everything_ Buddha. 
As you tried to pray and breathe in, breathe out....... you're gone. 

Visuals

After all those hate posts and being emo for like a day, I'm back with Visuals! LOL
These a few days,
-I totally ignored my dissertation first draft. I didn't really care cos I know it's not the final one anyway.
-I'm excited about my birthday everyday. I don't wanna say out anything loud yet cos I dun wanna jinx it. I'll blog about it after everything went according to my plan.
-My phat ass boy agreed to take photos for me for my fashion posts. My fashion is not really "singapore-style" it's really a mix of everything, grungy, girly, emo-ish, hiphoppy, u name it.
-watched and finished The Vampire Diaries tgt with my phat ass boy. Turns out he's more addicted to it than me -__-
-my phat ass boy got his remote controlled helicopter. I can't wait to play it. Altho I've played like a hundred times lol
-finally got my passport extended which expired 1 year plus ago. I've been dreading it cos I didn't wanna deal with those fucked-up attitudes of burmese people at the stupid embassy.

That's about it. My life is pretty boring now. Especially when I"m planning something exciting. Had to stay low profile for a while LOL! Now, let the visuals begin!


1} Wearing my pleather jacket from H & M! Phat ass boy got it for me. I gotta say it's my favourite outwear in my wardrobe now. It's cropped and fits me really well. I'm pretty petite. So, it's really really hard to find a moto jacket that fits me like a glove! Thanks love <3

2} fooling around in ToyRus looking for a remote controlled helicopter. Phat ass boy wanted this. His inner firefighterness is exposing :P

3} my dinner. I need serious help.

4} OOTD for shopping with the capella (part of) gang! love how they always talk nonsense and still try to be adults at the same time! The dress (it's actually a top but I'm too short to wear it as a top fml) it's from H&M.

5} Look what my personal chef cook for me. it's made up of chicken, 2 layers of ham, cheese, cucumber, lettuce and BACON! Everything with bacon is love! My chef knows me the best!

6} Arena with part of Capella gang. Arena blows but the company was great!
 

7} Lazy days with le phat ass boy. We spent 2 days 2 nights watching vampire diaries. When we're hungry, we'll go out and eat and watch it again WITHOUT SHOWERING! LOL! but it's all good cos there're only two of us and no one else was invited :x

8} taken on the day my phat ass boy got his helicopter. The stupid boy didn't listen to me and flew it too high so it got hooked on a tree. We spent a good 2 hours trying to shake the tree. Since the stupid boy is too scared to climb the tree (it was more than 4 stories high), there was no way. Luckily, a passerby who turns out to be a bangali or indian man offered he'll climb for us. I was shocked and I won't deny that I thought he just wanted to make some extra cash. I was wrong! He did it out of pity for two kids who just lost their new toy (us) and didn't demand anything in return. He climbed that tree so fast like a monkey! I even thought may be he was some secret agent from India cos he was too damn fast and strong for such a skinny build. LOL! Anyway, I felt ashamed of myself for judging just by his looks/nationality. There're some genuine people out there whose humanity is just pure. So, thank you wherever you are. You're awesome!

9} OOTD for embassy. I went for comfy + boyish + a hint of girliness (explains the pink color) Don't you just love the eyeball? To me, eyeball prints are so unusual and kinda cute esp when it's printed on pink camouflage.

10} my unif shirt (sorta) Actually, unif is damn ex for just a student like me LOL it's actually unif-inspired shirt which I got from Bugis street for 15$. Can u believe that the original one is 80$+?!

11} these are hand-me-downs from my phat ass boy. Which guy in their right mind will buy this kinda bright shoes?! LOL Anyway, I'm happy he got them. Cos they're too small for him and I love bright colors. I'm such a sucker for colors :D

12} last but not least, found a selca with my purple hair. I miss it so much :( Altho my hair is boring now, I'm much more comfortable walking around in crowds. I'm just afraid that I might suddenly get crazy and do something even crazier with my hair =D

 Life, on the other hand, is pretty much the same. Sometimes, I just have to let go of some stuffs so that the better things will come along. I seriously have to work on my dissertation tho and I wanna cut my hair shorter. I hope I'll find peace soon so that I won't have to give up on him and he won't give up of me anymore. I admit that there's still a part of me that is really really scared that he might not be able to let go. I know I can't. I'm just tryin to press it down a bit by a bit. When all the feelings resurface again, will we be able to take it?

Until then :x